WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2009
Far Away Eyes
Regarding my anatomy I fall in to the category of being a "Right-Brain Thinker." In all aspects of my cognitive development that began before my fetal self decided on my gender, my genes and chromosomes had determined that I would be the sort of thinker and learner that is creative in language, writing, random thought, abstract views, and subjectivity. When you really think about it, and have Human Development, Psychology, and Family Studies text books surrounding you, it's funny how the way we do things and who we are isn't just by some random chance or coincidental occurrence. We are who we are because of a lot of things. Yeah, my DNA holds in every little cell in my body the blueprint for my dark brown eyes and dirty blonde hair. My DNA gave me thick eyebrows, pouty lips, chicken legs, and oddly curvy feet. A handsome father and a beautiful mother.
I'm more than thick dirty blonde hair and skinny little legs. It's the life-span, the whole concoction of family, friends, culture, environment, experiences, and morality. These things make us who we truly are.
In my life, I find myself wishing that some of my relationships, with friends or family or boyfriends, were different or that I would have handled certain life experiences in a different way. It's a mind-teasing thing to sit in deep thought at what might have played out differently if things would have been done in another way. The stillness of such deep thought can send you into painful regret or grateful relief. It spins you in circles until you can't bear the thought anymore and sometimes it just stands still in a flood of nostalgia. Whichever way you look at it, the human mind always wonders what could have been or why did I do this and not do that. Then, after we take on the beating from all the theory, memory and wonder, we find it in ourselves to say we mustn't live in the past and we should worry about today. Didn't someone once say, "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present" and somehow we were all supposed to do just that despite how hard it is to do.
The cliched statement is pretty off the lips, but what does it make of the past? The pot of gold or a lump of coal? And what is the future? They tell us 'the future is in our hands' but yet we are encouraged not to "worry" about it? Or "dwell" on the past? That gets you to where I am today -- sitting in stillness with the whole 'nostalgic wondering gaze' thing happening and writing down my contemplations on whether or not I understand who I even am or what this world means for me and my purpose here.
Everyone wants to put things in sequence. You know what I mean - beginning, middle, and end. Past, present, future. But why? Isn't life just a cluster of experiences that we either enjoy, hate, regret, long for, and embrace? Maybe in my 'Right-Brain' mind I just look at it and think - life just is.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're all just floating around in some black hole. I believe in God and His son. I believe in their divine power and I forsake all others when it comes to faith in a higher power. This aspect of who I am is what makes looking at things - past, present, and future - with a sense of security that there is a purpose to everyone and a reason for everything. So, there is a purpose to sitting alone on a moonlight porch thinking about the past. There is a reason for feeling stuck in the past or overwhelmed at the thought of an uncertain future.
I've walked around for a couple of weeks with a blank stare. I've been that girl with far-away eyes. I'm not sad, angry, emotionally unstable, or anything of the sort (I think). At least not right now. The far away eyes have not been a lens of despondence but simply from a state of utilizing this abstract mind I was born with. I've taken in things and thought about things that at one point I forgot to reflect on or embrace critical thought toward. For a right brain dominant person, I start glitching from mental overload when I avoid thought processes that are needed. I simply cannot handle a life free from reflecting on the past and meditatng on the future. Somehow and someway those thoughts and feelings find a way to express themselves in art, writing, poetry, song, or dance. I am right brained. I try to live in the present but neglecting the past and future robs me of some source of happiness, internal struggle and resolution, true joy, true sadness, and personal achievement. Therefore, I celebrate who I am and I give the past and future their credit.
I fight the current, from shorelines of my past and throughout the journey towards a distant shore. I keep my head above the water but eventually will surrender to letting it carry me away. That's when the divine power saves me and directs me. Life in all it's stages is truly a beautiful voyage despite the busted ships at sea.
-BJJ
The 'Other' Sister
I'm more than thick dirty blonde hair and skinny little legs. It's the life-span, the whole concoction of family, friends, culture, environment, experiences, and morality. These things make us who we truly are.
In my life, I find myself wishing that some of my relationships, with friends or family or boyfriends, were different or that I would have handled certain life experiences in a different way. It's a mind-teasing thing to sit in deep thought at what might have played out differently if things would have been done in another way. The stillness of such deep thought can send you into painful regret or grateful relief. It spins you in circles until you can't bear the thought anymore and sometimes it just stands still in a flood of nostalgia. Whichever way you look at it, the human mind always wonders what could have been or why did I do this and not do that. Then, after we take on the beating from all the theory, memory and wonder, we find it in ourselves to say we mustn't live in the past and we should worry about today. Didn't someone once say, "Today is a gift, that's why we call it the present" and somehow we were all supposed to do just that despite how hard it is to do.
The cliched statement is pretty off the lips, but what does it make of the past? The pot of gold or a lump of coal? And what is the future? They tell us 'the future is in our hands' but yet we are encouraged not to "worry" about it? Or "dwell" on the past? That gets you to where I am today -- sitting in stillness with the whole 'nostalgic wondering gaze' thing happening and writing down my contemplations on whether or not I understand who I even am or what this world means for me and my purpose here.
Everyone wants to put things in sequence. You know what I mean - beginning, middle, and end. Past, present, future. But why? Isn't life just a cluster of experiences that we either enjoy, hate, regret, long for, and embrace? Maybe in my 'Right-Brain' mind I just look at it and think - life just is.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're all just floating around in some black hole. I believe in God and His son. I believe in their divine power and I forsake all others when it comes to faith in a higher power. This aspect of who I am is what makes looking at things - past, present, and future - with a sense of security that there is a purpose to everyone and a reason for everything. So, there is a purpose to sitting alone on a moonlight porch thinking about the past. There is a reason for feeling stuck in the past or overwhelmed at the thought of an uncertain future.
I've walked around for a couple of weeks with a blank stare. I've been that girl with far-away eyes. I'm not sad, angry, emotionally unstable, or anything of the sort (I think). At least not right now. The far away eyes have not been a lens of despondence but simply from a state of utilizing this abstract mind I was born with. I've taken in things and thought about things that at one point I forgot to reflect on or embrace critical thought toward. For a right brain dominant person, I start glitching from mental overload when I avoid thought processes that are needed. I simply cannot handle a life free from reflecting on the past and meditatng on the future. Somehow and someway those thoughts and feelings find a way to express themselves in art, writing, poetry, song, or dance. I am right brained. I try to live in the present but neglecting the past and future robs me of some source of happiness, internal struggle and resolution, true joy, true sadness, and personal achievement. Therefore, I celebrate who I am and I give the past and future their credit.
I fight the current, from shorelines of my past and throughout the journey towards a distant shore. I keep my head above the water but eventually will surrender to letting it carry me away. That's when the divine power saves me and directs me. Life in all it's stages is truly a beautiful voyage despite the busted ships at sea.
-BJJ
The 'Other' Sister
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